Fathers at heart
Reprinted from Times-News 06/18/06.. Used by
Permission
Couple who lost their son has started a chapter
of Compassionate Friends in Brevard
By Nancy Meanix
Special to the Times-News
Marisol and Bill Gollnick sit by a memorial garden, in their backyard,
dedicated to their son, who died suddenly in his sleep. (MIKE DIRKS/TIMES-NEWS)
June 18. 2006 -- Father's Day.
Children, small and grown,
Give gifts to father.
Say thanks to father.
Say I love you.
But there are fathers
Whose children are not here
To give gifts and say thanks
And say I love you.
Remember the fathers
Whose children are gone,
Because they will always be
Fathers at heart.
-- A poem by Sascha Wagner
Many adults will be sad today because this Father's Day is the first one
after their father died. Many teens will remember sadly their beloved granddad.
Younger children still sob months after Daddy died in Iraq or Afghanistan.
But today is perhaps much harder for the fathers who have lost a child -- a
baby, a teen or an adult -- whether recently or many years ago.
The closed-off nursery, the rotting basketball netting, the empty couch near the
television set represent to parents the singular outrage of burying their own
child before even planning their own funeral.
May 2 a dozen area residents joined to help one another in their grief journeys
when a new local chapter of the Compassionate Friends (TCF) received its
charter. Parents who lost a child of any age and siblings who lost a sister or
brother of any age are welcome to come to the next meeting at 7 p.m. Monday,
July 11, at the Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd, 808 N. Broad St. in
Brevard, opposite Ingles and K-Mart. The organization has no religious
affiliation.
Sharing with others
Co-leaders of the new chapter are Bill and Marisol Gollnick of Etowah and Steve
and Caroline Smith of both Georgia and Brevard.
Both couples lost a grown son four years ago. José Santos, Marisol's son by her
first marriage, was 29 when he died in his sleep. Steven Smith took his own life
at the age of 20.
"My son was a healthy man who did not drink or smoke or take drugs," Marisol
says. "We had talked on the phone the night before and he said he was tired from
coaching Little League and from moving to their new house, so he wanted to go to
bed early.
"We didn't know what happened for a long time, and then all they came up with
was that his heart must have developed arrhythmia and stopped beating, like
players on the field who just drop over.
"Bill and I were living in Pennsylvania then and I found a TCF chapter quickly.
After moving to Etowah, we attended chapters in Asheville and Greenville, S.C.,
but when we met others who had lost children at our church (Lutheran Church of
Good Shepherd), we decided to start a new chapter."
José's son, Joseph, was almost 3 when his dad died. He resembles his dad so much
that Marisol finds herself calling him José when he is visiting from Virginia.
She is trying to get the courage to finish assembling a scrapbook for him of his
dad's photos, report cards and letters.
One way that she "feels José's presence all around" is by collecting boy angel
figurines for a tall cabinet in their living room and by designing and building
a memorial in their garden. Angels and puppies made of stone surround bushes
which entice butterflies.
"José is not my biological son but he may as well have been. I knew him since he
was about 18 months because Marisol worked for me. We married when he was a
teenager," Bill says.
"I know we are grieving differently and I will never understand exactly how she
feels. But it helps when José's best man from his wedding calls or writes e-mail
and we talk about a memory he has recalled. Marisol and I want to hear people
talk about José by name. We want to keep his memory alive; it is good for us."
Bill is also grieving for a favorite nephew who was run over at work by a dump
truck at the age of 19. Bill's brother stayed angry for five years before
acceptance of the tragedy.
TCF members use first names at meetings and keep confidential what is said
there. Each person has a choice of introducing himself and telling a little
about his tragedy, and then, after a short program, discussion continues in
smaller groups.
The June meeting concentrated on father's feelings. July 10 the members released
balloons in honor of their children.
"We tell everyone they can say whatever they want in a meeting, except they can
not tell another person what he should feel or do. We want everyone to feel he
or she is not abandoned. We need to share, Bill and I, with others.
"Talking is important. It means your child will not be forgotten. You meet
others with similar feelings. You do not have to walk alone," Marisol says.
The unexpected
Steve Smith comments that burying a child is not in the normal order of things.
"My dad, 87, lives in South Carolina and is not in good health. We, in our
family, have been preparing ourselves for his death for about eight years now.
It is part of people's emotional makeup that we are ingrained to expect things.
We were not prepared for Steven's death.
"No matter how people lose their children the grief and loss is the same, and it
is so different from grieving for one's parent. My wife and I are lucky to be so
close; we talked and pretty much went through the stages of grief at about the
same time together.
"I was only angry for a few minutes, and I have never been ashamed of what
Steven did," Smith says.
Steven had been having discipline problems and was in trouble with the law for
several years before he took his own life. His father feels the cause was
Steven's knowledge that a bail bondsman was searching for him, and his resulting
fear of going to prison.
Ironically and tragically, Steven's parents had discovered from a psychologist
the day before he died that Steven suffered from Antisocial Personality
Disorder, a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of
others usually beginning about age 15.
They were not able to find Steven to offer their son medical and legal help in
time.
For details, see
http://psychocentral.com/disorders/sx7.htm.
In some journal material Smith shared with a reporter, he says:
"I want to provide some insight into a behavior pattern, which is quite
frustrating for friends and family to understand, and in the hope that, if
anyone else is dealing with a friend or family member displaying these traits,
they will be recognized ... and help can be provided to the individual.
"Steven was truly loved by many people; his friends have been a true blessing
for Caroline and me. Steven led a happy and joyful life. He was at times
frustrated by his inability to conform to the rules of the society he lived in,
and all too late we recognized he lived in a slightly different world."
Smith has not preplanned what he will do on Father's Day which he often spent
with his father. He especially remembers one Father's Day, when Steven was 18,
he and his son rode motorcycles for 350 miles round trip to see Steven's
grandfather together.
"Each year I take Steven's birthday off from work and try to do something he
would have enjoyed. My wife celebrates his angel date (the day he died) but I am
not at that point yet.
"One of the times I still have trouble with is when someone asks me how many
kids we have. Usually I say I have two and start talking about my daughter who
[born a year before Steven] is now 25. By the time I have stopped talking about
her I have made up my mind whether I will give the full story about Steven out
to that person.
"As for tips on healing I have two. First, I made a conscious decision and told
my family that I would try to find healing from my grief, not just wait for it.
I think time does not heal, just allows time to work on healing, and that there
is no race toward healing," Smith says.
"Secondly, I found that healing could be from Compassionate Friends or books or
counseling or the Survivors of Suicide group.
"I have tried and learned from all of them. They might not all work for
everyone, but please try each method at least three times before giving up on
it.
"I recommend a 100-page book called My Son, My Son written by Iris Bolton in
1978 about suicide. It started me on the right road to healing," Smith says.
Browse www.thelink.org.
During a long distance phone interview, Smith broke down several times but was
able to continue. He has asked many friends to honor his son's life by doing a
random act of kindness and has candidly suggested donations to a suicide
prevention organization, also in Steven's memory.
In his journal, Smith wrote a letter to his son:
"I always marveled at how you attracted small children. Your relative's and our
friend's children played with, and often, on you. You smiled, treated them
special, and played hard with them, even though you were six feet, and they were
often less than three ...
"I often saw you in my mind's eye playing with your own children. Yes, at times
I thought about how you'd react when your children gave you a hard time, and I
thought about absolutely spoiling them whenever I had a chance.
"I cry because I know you would have made a great dad, because I will miss
seeing you as you experience one of the greatest joys I've ever known, the love
of a child."
Compassionate Friends
The Compassionate Friends of Brevard, chapter 2234, will meet the second Monday
of each month. Members are from Transylvania and surrounding counties. There are
no fees or dues. Tax-deductible donations payable to "TCF Brevard Chapter 2234"
may be sent to P.O. Box 304, Brevard, NC 28712.
TCF is an international nonprofit self-help support organization founded in
England in 1969 and three years later, in the United States. Its mission is to
offer friendship, understanding and hope to families grieving after the death of
a child of any age and from any cause.
For further information, visit the new chapter's Web site at
www.compassionatefriends.org.
For general information, call toll free (877) 969-0010.
For specific information, call the Gollnicks at 890-8227.
Freelancer Nancy Meanix has lost two children and two grandchildren.
For More Information Contact:
The Compassionate Friends - Brevard/Hendersonville North Carolina Area Chapter
P.O. Box 304 Brevard, NC 28712
Tel: 828-890-8227
FAX: 828-890-8228
Internet:
mgollnic@gte.net
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